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| Alright. So I thought I would give a little insight on my life at Berkeley.
Berkeley has officially made me realize that there are A LOT of smart people in the world that have no idea how hard the REAL world is.
Berkeley is like PORN for your brain - intellectually stimulating but in reality - you will never get any intellectualness out of it.
All I can say is, I dropped chemistry and am rethinking the whole pre-med thing.
The question I am dealing with - Can I handle chemistry or is it that I don't want to handle chemistry.
Mind you, this is for three years.
My main goal is to get out of school and start my life, but I understand I must get a master's in social welfare if I want any money out of it.
Sigh.
Anyways - off of the academic areana.
The Social Scene
It's nice here. LOTS of different people from different backgrounds. Makes me realize the importance of people from the minority and low-income, "ghetto", urban background who know how life is to get an education and do stuff to help our community. It isn't enough of us out there. There are plenty of other kids coming from well-to-do families who will probably struggle in college, but not struggle as much as us. We have to stick it through to make the future generations go through this college process easier. We must bring our community up with us and not let anything stop them.
Not enough people know the lives/school we have lived through. We must survive college to be able to tell the world.
Anyways -- LOL -- way off topic.
People are really nice here. There are always the typical bitches. You know what I mean.
Sigh.
But everyone else is basically cool. I just miss Oakland and everything about it. I miss the "ghettoness" even though I don't consider anywhere near ghetto . I miss the way we talk, the way we live, the way we can just get on each other and have the understanding that we're just fucking around. I miss being able to curse in every sentence using every other words. I miss beauty supply stores - their earrings and slippers. I guess that's why I still work at Sears two days a week - to keep that with me.
I know everyone is going through a BIG cultural shock. Everyone around us is different. It's okay, embrace it. The Bay is special and that's what is so cool about us. You might go elaine, you live in Oakland, why you complaining.
I know. But Berkeley is HELLA different than Oakland, you know what I'm saying?
dang.
It's all good. We all going to adjust. It will just take time.
=)
Keep your head up.
We'll survive. We survived the streets of Oakland didn't we? [Even though we ALL know it's not even as bad as people think it is. But that's just us. Maybe the streets just made us hard or something =P]
Alright -- done with my long ass xanga post.
holllerrr
songggg
chain hang low & stuntin like my daddy | | |
| ive decided to come back to xanga. lol
i cant beiieve this year is already coming to an end...
you know what -- ill come back when my nails are off. im annoyed by them when i type. ill be back. LOL =D | | |
| since everyone has decided to come back to XANGA.
lol.
Alright.
So im at a place in my life where I want to move forward.
I dont want to be in high school anymore
as you can tell by my declining attendance.
I just cant stand high school anymore.
im tired of being seventeen.
tired of being called a MINOR.
i am sick of that word.
i want to be independent -- dang it --.
its strange, cause i sure have to be independent in many different ways.
its frustrating.
im considered independent by many people and in many different ways
but not LEGALLY.
THAT IS FRUSTRATING.
that is why i CANNOT wait for my birthday.
1 & 3/4 months.
what a countdown.
---
SIGH.
i took up the nice hobby of running lake merritt.
its to get stress off of me.
dang it.
i ran with ling, melanie, & anna.
mostly anna.
its a GREAT stress reliever.
thank you for running with me.
you do NOT know how much i appreciate that.
---
right now.
im talking to michael about my "problem"
him & raymond.
lifesavers.
both always listen to my "problem"
you guys are SO COOL.
i dont know what i would do without you guys
=D
thank goodness mike is going to uc berkeley next year.
and raymond is going to sf state
i know i annoy the hell out of both of them when i just keep going about my problem.
just to let you guys know.
even if you dont read this.
i appreciate you guys so MUCH.
like. hella much
=)
---
i cant wait for college to come.
i get to dorm with my coolest friend ever!
i get to finally be on my OWN.
even though that is kind of what im doing now.
literally.
ergh
---
it is REALLY HOT right now.
---
...
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| no one really reads this anyways.
Xanga is kind of dead now.
i admire the people who still use this.
teena -- youre still using this as its so cool that you keep up with it.
thats cool.
---
no one really reads this anyways. ( part 2)
I'm
going to pour my heart out right now, since no one will see this
anyways & i need to say it as if someone will see it. So here
goes...
i can't sleep. im starving. but i dont care.
i DONT CARE about that anymore.
i just want to STOP crying. Every day and/or night this week i have been crying.
I dont care what ANYONE says right now --- call me a crybaby -- I DONT CARE.
i dont see why i just cant live a normal fucking life.
why cant i have my fucking parents back?
why cant i have some stable ass friends?
why do i have to be alone in this world?
i dont get it.
i DONT GET IT.
i dont get why i cry when i thought i was "over it".
im supposed to be "strong".
im tired of being strong. Being strong made me end up like this.
I cry & cry & cry. Don't be suprised. This isn't the first time I've cried for long periods of time.
I always seem to cry every few months for a long period of time.
But now.
now it feels more REAL. now I feel even more sad.
no one knows how i feel but me.
& i guess that it will stay that way.
the laughter. the smiles. what can i say?
they're good for the moment. i do enjoy them i must say.
but at the end of the day -- it always is the same. tears. LOTS of unstoppable tears.
i feel so dysfunctional.
i have serious issues.
i know.
my life has spun out of control & i dont know what to do.
no shoulder to lean on. no one to cry to. no one to give me a lending hand.
i know the theme of my life.
alone. loner.
i understand that world. but must you rub it in so much?
as i type i cry. i dont know whats wrong with me.
when will this get better?
ive asked myself that for a couple of years now. I havent seen anything get better yet...
makes me lose faith.
ive tried. honestly. i tried having faith that things would get better.
but nothing has gotten better.
give me a sign world. something.
i cant sleep. i cant do anything.
im losing my mind -- i cant focus on anything, just tears.
someone give me something so i can forget about this.
someone give me something so i dont have to deal with this pain.
im desperate.
these tears have to stop flowing down my face. my weak heart cannot deal with this.
crying in my room alone has done this to me.
you think you know me.
you think you understand me.
you think you can put me in any general category [spoiled, whiner, stupid, ugly, slow]
well --- you know what?
go ahead.
cause i dont care anymore.
its hard to let go. it is. but it is necessary ive learned.
you know what though? you dont need to let go if there is nothing to let go of.
maybe i should start living this way. detach myself from everything
that means a lot to me so i dont have to deal with the pain when who or
what eventually leaves.
because everything & everyone has a way of leaving me, i noticed.
so lets just skip the pain.
lets just skip all the hurt. don't get close and i won't get hurt. what a sad strategy to live life by.
but that is the way not to feel any pain right?
i dont think ive ever typed so much in xanga.well...
it doesnt matter -- cause its not like anyone is going to read it anyways...
"im dying inside... but no one knows it but me..."
| | |
| I <3 this song so much...
=D
BACKSTREET BOYS ROCK!
go get this song!!! [ I Still]
I still need you...
----
"I Still..."
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
Baby
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
---
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